It’ll Be Back Someday
by: Xavier Sheppard
This song in it’s essence is about the acceptance of fear; and how I find it feels.
An old explanation for fear is False Evidence Appearing Real; and that nugget has always suited me fine when dealing with my fears. Apart from all the bullshit about it; really all fear is made up of is unknowing. Everyone is riddled with fear and always wishing for a life without it, yet the way the average Joe deals with fear I always found counter intuitive. If anyone wishes to rid themselves of fear the process is very simple yet obviously difficult; which is to deal with your fear and move on. Using our Acronym of FEAR where understanding that the fear itself is false you find not only the fear goes away but never existed in the first place. Problem is we’re never really ever in one place often enough and too much on the go to really find the time to do our own insecurity daily spring cleaning. Often we find ourselves trapped in a moment of fear and have nothing but our wits and self preservation left to dictate the situation.
We all want to be Batman and conquer one fear to be a hero, but even batman still lives in fear he struggles with in every comic. The reality is none of us can really measure up to a superhero because frankly, we exist and they don’t. The two just are not the same, but just by seeing the amount of interest in this character archetype there is around the world it’s hard to say we’re in fact more similar then we like to admit even to ourselves. The fear never ends as much as in order to keep the next episode interesting we need to continue to live in fear to learn better how to conquer it and live without it.
We often look to aids and guidance to handle the fear using tools. Just as much as a stiff drink at the end of the day or a good comedy to laugh with CAN be used for the same effects; they are and forever will be a simple band-aid solution to a problem of fear. Just as much as a drug can force you into a state of peace (being quite beneficial aside from all consequences) a song can become enough of a better false reality to choose to live in instead of the reality of yourself. Every tool can be used to help or harm someone (or yourself) but the real truth is it always ends up being you having to do the homework to figure it out yourself. No one can really help you but yourself, and given that its you who has to do it still brings up fear and even THEN your never really rid of it.
“It’ll be back someday” talks about the way I felt when I first started accepting my fears. Admitting to myself the truth when I was two steps away from shitting myself in fear of something that I didn’t know anything about. Calling that out about myself still feels like defeat at times after days of working on something that just isn’t working out. When my work or personal life gets out of my knowing it will always be in my nature to at least keep an eye on that because I hate being afraid.
I always referred to happiness as the sun, its a giant ball of energy that wouldn’t even know what to do with whatever we send it compared to as much as we get from it. Its a very weird relationship we have with the sun slowly watching it burn out as we rank up in call of duty. I always find when I hit true happiness it feels a lot like walking into sunlight, and when I walk into fear its the complete opposite (as it should), which I believe is the first step to accepting fear which in turn nulls it out of existence. In order to accept fear at least momentarily, it helps to reject happiness and loosen that desire tethering you to this problem.
The sun don’t care for me anymore,
no matter how I wish, she don’t shine like I did before
so I’ll leave my soul, to the freezing cold,
cuz I know. it’ll be back someday.
Much like the character in the song, they want to understand this fear and admitting that their pursuit of happiness isn’t working. To the point of pulling such an extreme as deciding to let their soul wander in the darkness away from this is their idea.
The hardest part about conquering your fears is everyone else for me. It’s weird to tell someone that your really sad and confused and you want to be alone to figure it out. Lots of people actually get concerned because they are having the same reaction you had before “Wanna talk about it? Want some happiness to elevate your pain?” when the true desire is to conquer that fear and if anything but yourself actually works through it it still remains unknowing to yourself and now resides in faith.
Many people misdiagnose depression for this desire, and the pain and desire for something else to handle the fear and keep it at bay. When even going to see a therapist the process of CBT is to just state back your ramblings and asking you questions you should be asking yourself but cant reach. Many times I’m struggling with fear a solid breath or a moment of solitude mixed with some rationalizing is sometimes the only needed cure to a small problem. Large problems on the other hand need large spaces of effort to handle and deal with, and there is no fail safe to comming across something your overwhelmed.
The sad news to a good song is that there often isn’t a way around handling fear. Part of accepting fear is accepting that your afraid to be afraid, accepting how uncomfortable something is, if yourself is hurting the last thing you want to do is leave your body and mind.
Can’t seem to find a reason to go out,
spend my days smoking, and thinking away my doubt,
and if I could, I’d be anything but alone
but I know, it’ll be back someday
I had a lot of troubles being able to let go of happiness, it kinda feels like your always holding your breath when leaving. Almost counter intuitive by admitting you are a wreck and beCause of that your going to go out and fix your mind... using your mind; dry yourself off in the rain sort of speak. This breath I like to hold with a tune not of worldly thoughts but thoughts of truth. the sad truth of the real state Im in, when going to battle with yourself your teddy bear or whiskey isn't going to help you.
My shattered soul is held together
with whiskey and tattered seams
another day, another dollar, another night,
keeping myself together
with, broken dreams.
The hardest thing about depression or even just the fear of your fears is the realization that happiness is not your birthright. But it is obtainable for some elbo grease.
Happiness is like a mogwai where you need to tend to your own and search for it on your own. And the scarier thing to take on when dealing with your fears is the sheer knowing that
this is an ongoing battle and never really ends. Soon as you conqour one fear, another will always pop up ready to take you down.
The sun dont care for me anymore
it just wants its protection money, and I’m broke
and if I did, I’m doomed anyway
cuz I know, it’ll be back someday
Now in my conclusion I left this peice very open ended because I want everyone to see that fighting yourself is not like fighting anything you can here in this life.
This whole uncomfortable moment your forcing yourself into is still just a cog in a much larger clock of who you are, where've you been and where your going.
but its you who has to venture into the freezing cold to find your answers, and all your addictions, tools and tips for how to get through life wont help you because
your advesary has the same tools and can use them just as well.
don't be afraid to be afraid, we all do.
= Exe Sheppard
released December 17, 2016
Written, Created, Produced and Authorship to Xavier Sheppard
Protected under MagnaCartel Copyright